Monday, November 8, 2010

Baby Number Three?

Ah, gotcha. I'm not pregnant. Nor do I plan to be. But I have felt a change in me lately. Maxwell and Ella are twenty months now, and around 13-15 months, I was so discouraged, tired...spent. They both kept getting sick and giving it back and forth to each other. It felt like they were sick for three months straight. It made it hard to leave the house and I felt myself slipping into a bit of depression. It was hard spending three months fighting high fevers and clinging babies. During that time I remember being terrified of becoming pregnant. Mind you, after years of infertility and $25,000 of IFV, the chances were slight. But I became paralyzed at the thought of having three babies at once. In fact, I remember running into a woman who had a little girl the same age as my children and her sharing that she was six months pregnant. I became that horrible person that so insensitively said, 'Oh my gosh I would DIE!' Yuck. I was that person. Trying to recover I congratulated her and made quick escape so I couldn't put my foot further down my throat.
However, lately as I watch my two grow, I realize that I wouldn't die. In fact, I see babies and I feel warm inside. I picture my two being enamored with a little one. I picture how much easier it would be with just one infant. I could nurse on the go. I wouldn't obsess about schedules, poop, and feeding (OK, I still might, but not nearly as much). I think it would feel natural to do it again. But I am content with our family. I'm not about to revisit fertility treatments. Mike and I agreed on two and I am good with it. The point of this post is that it feels good to be in a place where children don't overwhelm me. It feels good to see a baby and not want to RUN the other way. It means that my two, crazy and they can be, are enjoyable. We are past the infant stage of nursing two at once, physically carrying two, and feeling absolutely exhausted all the time. It's good. And I'm rested. So when you have a baby, call me over to hold them. Because I want to snuggle. Yours.

2 comments:

Chicago Mom (Heather) said...

That's exactly how I feel. 2 is perfect. We can content ourselves with snuggling other people's newborns!

bethany said...

amen sista!!