Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I don't really know who reads this blog so I'm reluctant to share too much, but them I remember my writing is for me. I feel vulnerable right now and in ways my identity has been shaken. I love being a mother, but I miss being a wife. I miss being looked at as a woman, not just my kids' mother. I miss quiet times of reflection. I miss the effort I used to put into me. I miss validation in my career. I miss helping students. I miss feeling smart. I miss going to the bathroom without having someone cry outside the door. I miss little freedoms.  

I feel guilty for having these feelings. Like if I share these things people will think they bleed into how I feel about/treat my children. I feel like I have to qualify these thoughts: If you know me you know I adore my kids. I appreciate the gift of being a stay at home mom. I don't want another job. I don't want a new 'hobby.' I don't need to be taken out to lunch for distractions. I'm just learning this new role and how it affects all areas of my life, my marriage. Parts of it have come so natural, other parts are harder to adapt to.

There's really more to it but this isn't a diary. Life is just hard sometimes, you know? For me, if I stay in a place of hurt, areas of me will harden. I don't want my heart to harden. So today I chose to see the blessings in marriage and motherhood. I scoop up a baby in each arm and find healing, I let my heart soften.


Cristine said...

Meghan you were called to be a mom, you are so loving, so patient, and so creative with the time you spend with your babies. They are blessed to have you as their mom!!

Maggie May said...

i remind myself of what i tell my kids- it's normal to have two conflicting feelings at the same time, and it feeling frustrated or overwhelmed with a situation or person doesn't mean you ONLY feel that way.

life is just hard sometimes, and you are graceful in your movements forward here.

mike and hillary said...

CUUUTE picture. and i totally get how you're feeling. mommy guilt is the worst, because shouldn't it be okay to want a break without feeling like it means you hate being a mom? you're a great mom. love you!

Chelsea said...

"I miss validation in my career. I miss helping students. I miss feeling smart. I miss going to the bathroom without having someone cry outside the door. I miss little freedoms."

I couldn't agree more. I kind of feel like if you're not a mom, you wouldn't understand this post. you're not asking for pity, you dont hate your kids or your life, it's just hard!

Dustin gets validation all the time at work and pats on the back, and i told him that when he tells me i'm a good mom or the house looks good or whatever, that's like how he feels when he gets a promotion. I NEED that 'at-a-girl' A-LOT actually because without it, i feel like a dusty old house wife /spit up rag with saggy boobs and greasy hair because showers are the last on my list of things to do!

You're doing a great job girl. You're so right too about how baby snuggles can make everything better!

Lots of love your way my dear. Hang in there!


i relate. there are times when i love this season of life, and other times when i wish for the days when my hubby and i could just be us again. but since that will never be, and if i'm honest, i wouldn't want it that way, i look forward to the days when our babies are just a wee bit older... and there is just a little bit more time to breathe and enjoy each other.

Sarah R.Conley said...

This is one of my favorite quotes: If you love Him as I want you to do, you will offer Him the whole use of your day, as you open your eyes to the light of each morning, to be sent in active service or silent suffering, according to His good pleasure. You will not select the most agreeable task, but His task, whatever it may be; you will not disdain humble service, or be ambitious for distinquished service; you will lie, like a straw, on the current of His will, to be swept away and be forgotten, if it pleases Him, or caught up by His mighty hand and transformed thereby into a thunderbolt.-Elizabeth Prentiss

Being a mom isn't for sissies or the fainthearted. It is normal to grieve the "old you" . In time you will find how to be sexy, smart, exciting and important in your new role as a mom. .... you will. Just wait.... :)

Felicia said...

Meghan, I don't remember how I ran across your blog the first time, but you're on my 'favorites'. I don't always read every post, and I've never commented before but felt that I needed to this time. Hopefully you don't think its too wierd...haha. You should NEVER feel guilty for wanting ' me ' time. It's important for your sanity, your kids and your husband. I'm not a mother, but have a few friends who are and a few who are stay at home mothers. I hear this quite often, and always try to comfort them. Being a stay at home mother isn't a 40 hour a week job, it is a full-time 24/7 job and just like any other job, EVERYONE needs a break. Don't be hard on yourself, I've read many of your postings and have NO DOUBT that you're an AMAZING mother. From all that you have been through, theres no way that you couldn't love those babies. So, take it easy on yourself, and MAKE time for YOU!

Anonymous said...

I love you much step mom. You know we all appreciate you very much. You are an amazing mother and step mother.. and we are so blessed to have you.

kmbo said...

A life change is always a challenge. It is even harder when 2 pop into your life. You have had so much fun and travelled and acomplished the schooling you wanted to finish. You are married to a wonderful person also. "the honeymoon is over" but that mean growing as a family begins. You do need breaks for yourself even if it just going to the store or getting a petacure. Little things will make you feel better. And call your friends who have older kids to help out, that is what friends and family are for. You need to designate date night also one time a week for you and Mike. Even if it is just 1 1/2 hours. FYI no matter how many perople you have to help you out no one replaces a mom and you are A GREAT MOM! We would never trade for anything. They will grow up and be independant, patience. You can always call me when your feeling like ya need a break.

I love the pictures. Glad I had time to check your blog