I don't really know who reads this blog so I'm reluctant to share too much, but them I remember my writing is for me. I feel vulnerable right now and in ways my identity has been shaken. I love being a mother, but I miss being a wife. I miss being looked at as a woman, not just my kids' mother. I miss quiet times of reflection. I miss the effort I used to put into me. I miss validation in my career. I miss helping students. I miss feeling smart. I miss going to the bathroom without having someone cry outside the door. I miss little freedoms.
I feel guilty for having these feelings. Like if I share these things people will think they bleed into how I feel about/treat my children. I feel like I have to qualify these thoughts: If you know me you know I adore my kids. I appreciate the gift of being a stay at home mom. I don't want another job. I don't want a new 'hobby.' I don't need to be taken out to lunch for distractions. I'm just learning this new role and how it affects all areas of my life, my marriage. Parts of it have come so natural, other parts are harder to adapt to.
There's really more to it but this isn't a diary. Life is just hard sometimes, you know? For me, if I stay in a place of hurt, areas of me will harden. I don't want my heart to harden. So today I chose to see the blessings in marriage and motherhood. I scoop up a baby in each arm and find healing, I let my heart soften.