Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A Prayer

This is a hard post to write because it's being vulnerable and transparent. And because it's late and I'm tired. I'm typing this in a dark room with my little boy asleep in my bed. A few times over the past months Maxwell has told me that he's afraid in his crib. The fact that my baby has lost part of his innocence to fear breaks my heart. He's only two! I'm still supposed  to be able to protect him.

He's woken up hysterical a couple times, but other than that it's a timid fear that we can usually talk through. Each time I'm immediately convicted because the first thing I say to him is 'Let's pray.' And then I do, then he doesn't understand. And I feel like I'm failing. When we talk about God Ella instantly says, 'God made the whole world!,' because that's what she's heard me tell her. They've heard the nativity story. But they don't know Jesus. Well, actually, I bet they do, but I haven't modeled that for them like I wish I had.

Without making this my testimony, I'll share that I was raised in a Christian home. Always. I've known the Lord as long as I can remember. Of course my faith has been challenged and I've known God on different levels through different seasons (see, I know the lingo), but I truly, I have always known that God's been with me. Of course the choice to follow, and not to follow, has always been mine. But the foundation of my faith lies in roots my parents planted in my heart. Yet I have not been part of a church family since...college...ish..really about 10 years.

So when I say that I'm convicted, it's because I haven't been intentional about naming God's goodness in our lives.  Honestly, in my everyday life, I don't speak this out loud in my home. I breathe it over my babies when I hold them in my arms. I whisper prayers as I watch them play together. I blog about God's faithfulness when it overwhelms me. But it's not enough. Because if it was enough, Maxwell would understand what I means when I tell him let's pray. So, there it is. There's my heart. My short comings.

Jesus, teach me to share you with my children in a way that they'll understand. Show me how to model your love in our home, in spite of my flaws and contradictions. Remind me that they are watching me, always; looking at my example. As I stumble to teach my kids, teach me again. Teach me to pray. Help me to know you. And in the name of Jesus I cast fear from Maxwell's mind. Comfort him and cover him with your peace. Assure him completely that his room, his bed, is a safe place. Fill his dreams with goodness and joy. Let him wake up rested and sure. 


Amen.

8 comments:

Cristine said...

Parenting is not what we expect it to be...sweet smelling, cooing, playful children 24/7. When we give birth to our children we think there is no greater love we can feel for them but what you are feeling Meghan is the greatest love...when we cannot 'fix it', 'make it better', when all we can do it turn to the Lord and trust in Him for our children...that is the greatest gift and love we can give to our children.
I will continue to pray your prayer for Maxwell and believe that his 'fear' will be gone and replaced with 'goodness and joy'.
Continue to use this time of celebrating Christmas to share about God and who He is.
There is an old song we sang growing up in the Catholic church, '...they will know we are Christians by our love, by our love, yes they'll know we are Christians by our love. We will walk with each other we will walk hand in hand...'
You are modeling that for your children, they know they are loved and accepted by you, while you support them with each step they take and attempt to take. As you turn to the Lord He will continue to use himself through you as you show your children His love.
I may be your 'mama' so I know better than anyone that your heart is true and pure, that the Lord has gifted you with incredible parenting skills and love as you stay at home to raise your 2, two year old twins. Continue to trust in what your heart guides you to do and say as the Lord has put it there for you.
I love you my darling daughter.

Chicago Mom (Heather) said...

This made me cry. I was raised the same way and I feel like a failure for the same reasons. Seriously I could've written this post because I feel exactly the same way. I love your prayer.

molly june. said...

we all fail as parents, but HIS mercies are NEW every morning. thankyouLORD! and it's never too late! and like your momma said up there, what a perfect time to start speaking about God...CHRISTMAS!!! praying for you, sweet friend. God hears your heart. and i just love your heart! you encourage me! XO

rozanny said...

You are amazing! I know you love your children and I know you love the Lord... and I know you want that love of the Lord for you children! What a blessing for them! The three things that I've found has helped me teach my kids about God are 1.Reading kid scripture stories to them. I also have started telling them before I read to them which stories are real and which ones are fairytales. 2.Taking a planned time each week to teach them about gospel doctrine... we usually take Monday nights and have a little lesson that takes about 5 minutes and talk about things like obedience, love, charity, happiness, not judging others. They're young, but I'm always surprised at what they remember. My daughter talks about praying by herself when no one is looking because we talked about that for one of the lessons last year... she's only 4. And 3. Living what you believe. You can say you like classical music, but unless you listen to it often your kids will never like it. They follow where you lead. (Amazing and scary huh!?)

Our lives are times of continuous learning... and countinous teaching. None of us are perfect but God makes up the difference. I'm proud of you for wanting Gods love present in the lives of your children. You are a blessed mother!

FluentNSmiles said...

LOVED this Meghan! Authenticity is so fabulous!

Anonymous said...

Meghan elaine, I love you so much and you are a beyond amazing mom to Max and Ella and to Michael and I. You have taught me more then anyone that God is so good and he loves so much. Keep your head up because us kids don't see you as being a failure of a mom. xo

Judie said...

Oh Maegann...I felt this way so many times. Not just as a mom, but even more so as a grandma. Without the knowledge that God was holding my hand, I never would have made it. I will try and do my part when they are with me, to let them know that God is real.
I have to tell you that you are one AMAZINNG mom. I watch you with the kids and I thank God for you. By example, you've taught me to be "softer" and more patient than I have ever been.
I love you

Judie said...

Oh Maegann...I felt this way so many times. Not just as a mom, but even more so as a grandma. Without the knowledge that God was holding my hand, I never would have made it. I will try and do my part when they are with me, to let them know that God is real.
I have to tell you that you are one AMAZINNG mom. I watch you with the kids and I thank God for you. By example, you've taught me to be "softer" and more patient than I have ever been.
I love you