Truth: Sometimes I'm bored at home. And because my day centers around baths/nap time/mealtime, it's hard to just 'run out the door' with two, two year olds. Part of that is my own problem because I could be more flexible. But I'm pretty darn good at predicting meltdowns. The kids have been extra whinny and it wears on me. Last week I could feel that 'trapped' feeling creeping in. I try to suppress it and ignore it, but it starts to suffocate. I start feeling desperate for alone time and then I feel guilty for needing it. I look for any excuse to get out of the house, with or without the kids. Then I resent that my great escape was hot dogs for lunch at Costco.
But the feeling always passes. It usually creeps up for a day or two (in this case...more), but then all of the sudden I'm slapped in the face with ohmygoshlookatmylife and I stop feeling selfish and enjoy what I've got. The moment came for me last night. I got home from the grocery store and I sat on the back patio and watched my husband and kids ride the quad around our beautiful property. From my chair I watched the kids squeal and hold Daddy's arm so tight. Across the field Mike's lips whispered something and M & E laughed from their bellies as their helmets bounced off one another. Instead of feeling guilty for my ugly heart (which I often do, then I feel even worse), I asked for forgiveness and felt peace. The rest of the night was filled with snapshot moments. Ella peed all over the floor, but instead of getting frustrated, I praised her for running to the toilet and finishing there. Maxwell took out the tee ball set and the two of them killed me with their big kid skills and conversations. I said a prayer of thanks that my husband barbecues dinner for us way more than I cook. And when it was time for the kids to go to bed, we let them watch 'one more show,' because why not? I felt a deep relief that it wasn't a night that I was counting down the minutes until I could put them down- because that's how I've been feeling. And it's exhausting to feel that way.
Even though we are still in the high 80s, I know it's almost the end of summer nights. And summer nights here are amazing. I'm glad I can see that today.