Allowing myself to believe

It doesn't feel real. I have wanted this so desperately for the past two years that I can't believe it's happening. When you want to have a baby, and you can't, you constantly feel like you're on the outside looking in. Mommy blogs, pregnancy magazines, and Baby Gap- all guilty pleasures of mine. For so long I have heard this ugly voice in my head telling me I am not a mom and I shouldn't be looking at these things when I don't have kids myself. It's embarrassing how many pregnancy tests I have bought. Every month I would pee on the stick and think, surely this is it. In October I beamed as I waited for the two lines to appear. What an incredible gift to be able to give Mike on his birthday! In December I just knew, this has to be the month. We wanted it so much and we would tell everyone on Christmas! But I never was pregnant. Later, I would bitterly pee on the stick telling myself how stupid I was to get my hopes up, 'It's not going to be positive,' I would think. 'This is a waste of money and you are pathetic for thinking you're pregnant when you're two days late. You're just setting yourself up to be disappointed.'

And now...I guess I'm just apprehensive. I am excited and have so many hopes for our baby. I truly am thinking positive and I expect that everything will go right. But part of me still needs to allow myself to soak it in and find the joy in these next nine months...I really am pregnant.

"Do you feel pregnant?" Um...kind of? I have been taking so many different medications for the past two months that I have been feeling bloated, very tender breasts, randomly nauseous, and TIRED. Once I found out I was pregnant, the Doc had me increase the yucky meds that I shove 'up there,' and the bottle says it causes drowsiness. I've also been feeling this pulling and stretching in my abdomen. According to babycenter.com, the baby is the size of a sesame seed (nice comparison) so I don't think it's the baby. Maybe all the changes in there? So all these symptoms could be a result of the medication, pregnancy, and the heat. I'd say the biggest thing I feel is tired. The good news- I still have three weeks until I go back to work so I get to rest all I want.

So how far along am I? The Doc said my due date is March 28. I plugged it into the calculator on babycenter.com and it says that I am 5 weeks right now. I searched online and found and IVF calculator that had me enter my egg retrieval date...it also said I was five weeks. BUT, my egg retrieval was July 6 and the transfer was the 11th, how could I already be that far along? Any moms out there remember how it works? I have my first ultrasound appointment next Monday (I'm still with the Reproductive Endocrinologist). I'll confirm with the Doctor then.

In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy this. I'm going to take naps and I'm going to read What to Expect. Because I can. Because I'm pregnant.

We're going to have a baby!!!!!!!!Us!!!!!!!!!!