Summer afternoon at the beach

Over the weekend we had a summer afternoon at the beach with some of our best friends, the Harts, who happen to be our next door neighbors. We played on the beach while Mike and Troy caught yummy fish out of their kayaks.

Nikayla Rose

Kendall and Mackenzie

Justin and Shelby

Best buds

Mike and Troy: Ultimate Paddlers

My hubby

Allowing myself to believe

It doesn't feel real. I have wanted this so desperately for the past two years that I can't believe it's happening. When you want to have a baby, and you can't, you constantly feel like you're on the outside looking in. Mommy blogs, pregnancy magazines, and Baby Gap- all guilty pleasures of mine. For so long I have heard this ugly voice in my head telling me I am not a mom and I shouldn't be looking at these things when I don't have kids myself. It's embarrassing how many pregnancy tests I have bought. Every month I would pee on the stick and think, surely this is it. In October I beamed as I waited for the two lines to appear. What an incredible gift to be able to give Mike on his birthday! In December I just knew, this has to be the month. We wanted it so much and we would tell everyone on Christmas! But I never was pregnant. Later, I would bitterly pee on the stick telling myself how stupid I was to get my hopes up, 'It's not going to be positive,' I would think. 'This is a waste of money and you are pathetic for thinking you're pregnant when you're two days late. You're just setting yourself up to be disappointed.'

And now...I guess I'm just apprehensive. I am excited and have so many hopes for our baby. I truly am thinking positive and I expect that everything will go right. But part of me still needs to allow myself to soak it in and find the joy in these next nine months...I really am pregnant.

"Do you feel pregnant?" Um...kind of? I have been taking so many different medications for the past two months that I have been feeling bloated, very tender breasts, randomly nauseous, and TIRED. Once I found out I was pregnant, the Doc had me increase the yucky meds that I shove 'up there,' and the bottle says it causes drowsiness. I've also been feeling this pulling and stretching in my abdomen. According to babycenter.com, the baby is the size of a sesame seed (nice comparison) so I don't think it's the baby. Maybe all the changes in there? So all these symptoms could be a result of the medication, pregnancy, and the heat. I'd say the biggest thing I feel is tired. The good news- I still have three weeks until I go back to work so I get to rest all I want.

So how far along am I? The Doc said my due date is March 28. I plugged it into the calculator on babycenter.com and it says that I am 5 weeks right now. I searched online and found and IVF calculator that had me enter my egg retrieval date...it also said I was five weeks. BUT, my egg retrieval was July 6 and the transfer was the 11th, how could I already be that far along? Any moms out there remember how it works? I have my first ultrasound appointment next Monday (I'm still with the Reproductive Endocrinologist). I'll confirm with the Doctor then.

In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy this. I'm going to take naps and I'm going to read What to Expect. Because I can. Because I'm pregnant.

We're going to have a baby!!!!!!!!Us!!!!!!!!!!

I miss my friends

Yesterday I laughed harder than I have in months. I met my friend Molly in Santa Barbara- how did I forget how good it feels to be around a best friend? Either we are both the funniest people around, or we get so delirious that everything we say is hilarious!



I met Molly (and other girls below) my freshman year of college at Azusa Pacific University. We instantly bonded and spent the next four years living together and creating all those memories that make people say, 'College was the best years of my life.' You know those people you just instantly click with? That's these girls: Molly, Hillary, Stef, and other Megs.

We somehow thought we were cool by spending our days playing laser tag and dancing to the Pretty Woman soundtrack. Together we went to our first real college party. It was Halloween, so clearly we wanted to show up in the best costumes ever. Our superhero costumes were superior as we sported painted faces, bathing suits, towels for capes, and weapons (obviously I carried a torch of terror). We were slightly embarrassed that we were the only ones dressed up. Note to self: college parties mean dress like a slut, do not carry around a fake weapon. We sold and performed singing telegrams to raise money on Valentines Day and danced it up at APU's annual lip sync contest. Fortunately, as we got older we graduated to slightly more mature activities such as daily happy hour at Acapulco and ALIAS marathons (I am aware that doesn't sound much cooler, but trust me...it was an improvement).

During these years, the girls became my family. We were all raised in Christian homes and we were on our own for the first time. We were silly, but we had such meaningful relationships. We talked for hours about our faith, friendships, and families. We would dream about what our lives would be like in the future: What would our careers be? Who would we marry? Where would we live? What would we name our kids? Would sex hurt? (I know, this question in college... amazing.)

Our conversations haven't changed much. There is such a comfort in being completely accepted by best friends. Nothing is forced and it is OK to just be. As I get older, I'm finding that these friendships are rare. When I leave these girls I feel uplifted and happy. I am proud of each of them. We are fulfilled in our jobs and we love the new families we've created.

I miss my friends.

Apparently we thought this looked cool

Molly and Megs x 2

Our trip to Laughlin

Molly's wedding: our first time together with all of our husbands

Hill's wedding: Favorite reception highlight was when Matt burst the champagne bottle during the speeches

My wedding, the last time we were all together

It's really happening

I finally got the call. And just like that, we're going to have a baby!

Maybe baby

Could this morning go any slower?! I woke up before 6:00 a.m. (the first time since I've been on vacation). Usually Mike's alarm goes off and I happily roll over and snooze back to sleep. Today I find out if the maybe baby is actually real. I was told to get my blood drawn sometime in the morning and they would call with results. I was at the pathology lab before 7. I'm back at home and I can hear the clock ticking. To busy myself I uploaded pictures onto the blog. Look on the right hand sidebar and you will see a link that says, 'More photos here.' Click on the highlighted orange link and maybe you'll see yourself in a picture!

I'll be back with the news when I hear...

Thoughts as I wait

I heard that waiting would be the hardest part. But it's all hard. I feel this anxious emotion inside me just wanting to know...'Hello! Is there anyone there? Specs of dust, are you uh, taking?'

I watched an episode of Oprah last night that aired sometime last week. It featured surrogacy and fertility issues. It was weird to watch. I felt both connected and removed. At one point, Martha Stewart's daughter Alexis shared her infertility struggle and she demonstrated her medication routine. Mike and Michael were watching with me and I found myself yelling at the television,"Hey, we do that! Look Mike, that's the shot you give me. And that one's Lupron, I do that one myself." Oprah kept interrupting her (imagine that) so I didn't get to hear what the rest of the meds were on the table in front of her.

Part of me felt relieved. Like see, even famous people can be broken. On the other hand, Alexis comes off very removed and almost cold. She kept reiterating that the shots were not a big deal and didn't hurt. Ummm...they hurt me. Every morning for me is literally a pain in the ass. My naked butt is a pin cushion and my backside is covered with bruises. We're doing shots of progesterone oil now and the needle is the same size we used for the menopur, but the oil hurts. My calendar says tomorrow I start shoving prometrium up my whoo-whoo. I'd bet Alexis doesn't mind that either.

A wife and husband in the audience are about to start their IVF cycle and the woman explained that her husband had just learned how to give her injections. Without missing a beat, Alexis piped in that it's really not necessary for the husband to give them, she could do them herself. I wanted to wrap my arms through the TV and tell the woman, "It's OK to need your husband! We are lucky to have them here to support us. This is about them too and we don't need to feel alone."

All in all, the show was interesting and reminded me that infertility is an umbrella that covers so many circumstances and walks of life. Regardless the situation, we share the same hope...we want to be parents.

On a happier note...We had guests in town this weekend for a family reunion my mother-in-law planned~it was nice to have some distractions. Here are some highlights:

Michael and Grandma Judie

Mike and his cousins

My sister-in-law Tanya and my adorable nieces, Camryn and Charli

Pam and baby Abby Mae

Our fam

Mike and the kids

p.s. But really, all I'm thinking about is the baby(ies)

Another step closer...

"These are the best embryos I've seen in months," Dr. S. tells us. This is the first thing we hear Friday morning as we get to the office for our embryo transfer. He says our embryos are wonderful! He shows us a picture of them and explains today's process. I can't believe this is real. I change into a gown and we wait for the embryologist to come into the operating room. It's a sterile, quiet room and I'm laying on the table. Mike sits on a chair next to me and we look at each other, is this really finally happening? The embryologist comes in and goes over some information with us. "Your embryos are perfect," she says. My eyes fill with tears. She explains that they are measured A, B, or C for their quality. For example, each embryo is scored AA, AB, BB, BC, CC, etc. She shows us our ratings. Out of the six embryos, 5 of them are AA and one is AB. They really are perfect. Next, she dims the lights and rolls in an incubator. My heart is overwhelmed. Those are our babies in there. The incubator is temperature controlled and she calls Mike over to meet them. He can see them under the microscope, but otherwise he tells me they look like specs of dust. It is absolutely incredible. I am comforted that our embryos are healthy. I am grateful that if we have to do this again, we can use any of the four other embryos that they have frozen.I lie on the operating table and Dr. S. comes in shortly after. I watch the clock and the whole procedure takes around 12 minutes. It is uncomfortable, but not painful. The embryos are kept in the quiet, dark incubator until the very last minute before they are transferred through a catheter. And that's it. I look at Mike and we both know this may be the beginning, but also the end. The end of these appointments, tests, needles...disappointment. But again, it may not be. In 10 days I take a blood test to find out if I'm pregnant. In the meantime I am hopeful, but I have guarded my heart. It has been such a long process and I'm afraid to get my hopes up.

These are the actual two embryos they transfered, hopefully their first picture of many!
Thank you Lord for bringing us this far.

Dear embryos

Dear embryos,
The egg harvest went well. Dr. S. called this morning and said six of you eight eggs were mature enough to fertilize! As I write this, you are growing in a dark, quiet room. You are so tiny, it's hard to even see you under a microscope. I am almost afraid to let myself love you already...but I do. I wonder who each of you are. Girls? Boys? Athletes? Doctors? Writers? It's unbelievable to me that as teensy as you are, you are a part of me and a part of your Dad (the best of us I hope!) I am praying for you. I want you to grow strong and healthy. I desperately want you to be able to grow inside me. I will take care of you and love you very much. I can't wait to meet two of you on Friday!

We caught an Angels game Saturday night before the procedure Sunday morning

Self-portrait as I wait to go into the operating room.

Sunday!

I had another Dr. appointment this morning. The ultrasound told us that the eggs are getting there and we are scheduled for a Sunday egg harvest! In the meantime I continue with meds and...try to distract myself with fun things so I'm not thinking about it all the time. The procedure takes place in Redondo Beach Sunday morning-we plan to head down Saturday. I am put under for the surgery so it shouldn't be uncomfortable. After the eggs and sperm create embryos, they grow for 2-5 days. We anticipate driving back to Redondo Beach either Wed or Friday of next week for the actual embryo transfer. But as I've learned, that can all change at any time. Talk about an emotional roller coaster!

(I'll take you little embryo!)

P.S. It was wonderful seeing you this morning Mom. Thank you for breakfast and my goodie bag!

Discouraged

I feel...discouraged. We had an Dr. appointment on Monday to see how the medication was working. Everything looked good and we were to come back on Wednesday for our final appointment before the egg harvest (sounds so weird). As of Monday, Dr. thought we would be in L.A. for the egg harvest on Friday or Saturday. Mike met me at our appointment this morning and I felt hopeful and excited...no more shots after today!

A quick recap of the appointment: Doctor was late. Doctor did a 'practice embryo transfer' with a catheter, very uncomfortable and now I have slight bleeding and a little cramping. Eggs need more time. Keep with the injections for a couple more days. Egg harvest probably not until Sunday or Monday. Mike asked for clarification about the process and nurse laughed at the question and made us feel dumb. The parking lot is stupid and crowded, both of us could barely get our cars out. Another appointment tomorrow morning at 7:15 a.m.

Sunday is not far away. There really isn't a reason I should be disappointed, I just feel...done. It seems like the doctor and staff aren't giving us the consideration they did when we first started coming. I'm ready for it to be over.