Twenty-Two

Happy birthday Michael.

LOVE YOU TO PIECES.

16 Weeks

To our babies at sixteen weeks.


Maxwell,

Everyone tells us you look like your Dad. You are a lucky boy because you have one handsome father. This month you have discovered your hands and you love to swing your fists. I put you in your bouncy seat and you squeal as you bat at the toys hanging in front of you. At first you seemed to favor your left hand, but now we see you using both. You are such a cuddle bug and you want to be held all the time. When I scoop you up your body melts into mine and you love to be cuddled close while you drool on my shoulder. You coo at us and you laugh when your Dad talks to you. You love to sit on his lap and read Cycle News before he goes to work in the morning. For a baby who started out so small...you have turned into a chunk! I love to kiss your chubby face and your roley poley feet. You have started sleeping better at night but you still end up in bed with us. Again, you just want to be cuddled. And I want to cuddle you back. We love you sweet boy.


Ella,

You radiate joy. Your reflux and tummy must be feeling better because you smile all day long. And when I say you smile, it's like your whole person is smiling. You're a petite little girl but are strong! You want to see everything around you. You are always squirming around and turning your head so that you don't miss a thing. You've also discovered your hands and you try so hard to eat your whole fist. I love to watch you study the pictures in books. We prop them up beside you and I when come back into the room and you are still captivated by what you see. I hope you love books forever. You have turned into such a good sleeper! For almost two weeks now you only wake up once at night. I feed you, you smile, and then you go back to sleep until around 5 or 6 (out of our bed)! You and your Dad are the first ones up each morning. He hears you wiggling around and peaks over your crib. You greet him with a smile so big you even arch your eyebrows. What a happy girl! We love you Ella Vita.

Maxwell and Ella at one week.

Uncle Louie took more pictures this week. We have you in the same pose and we can see how much you've grown!

Happy Monday

* One of the things I'd like to do is take a class on basic graphic design (is that even what it's called?). I keep trying to customize our blog and realize I have no idea how to. Once the babies get older, I'd like to take a night class. In the meantime, I found this cute header on shabbyblogs.com. Thanks shabbyblogs!

You're So Vain

I'm assuming you're as sick of hearing about Jon and Kate as I am, but I was looking for quick before/after pictures. I'm not even interested in the drama that surrounds them, but I can't help but be intrigued by Kate's tummy. I have never had a strong opinion either way regarding plastic surgery. I suppose part of me is wary that it perpetuates issues of body image in young girls. Yet I am a strong believer that until I've walked in your shoes...who am I to say what's up? We all come to the table with unique circumstances and reasons for doing things. One woman's 'boob job' may actually be a breast reduction for health reasons. The next gal may choose to go bigger or smaller because of the attention (or lack there of) she gets from men. All this to say, I never really cared about cosmetic surgery because it didn't affect me. I don't have a perfect body, but I'm confident in who I am. I'm fine with how I look. Mostly.

I was fortunate to carry Max and Ella to 36 weeks. I certainly looked big, but didn't actually gain all that much weight in pounds. I was at my heaviest weight before I got pregnant. I like to blame it on the fertility hormones I was shooting up, but I'm thinking excessive pizza and hefeweizen didn't help things. Regardless, I was shocked when I stepped on the scale at the babies two week check up and- what?! I had lost all the weight. Mind you, initially I was so overwhelmed with two babies that I didn't do a whole lot of eating or sleeping. But to lose the weight that quickly? Sweet. Never in my life have I been able to loose weight without serious persistence. Even then, I end up on a fad diet and gain it all back. Now, I am actually 20 pounds thinner than before I got pregnant. I know, right? I should be stoked. No wonder women breast feed their kids until they're five. (Actually, please have an intervention if I'm still nursing and the babies are talking to me).

My point here is that I'm feeling well, looking better, and I'm still not satisfied. So I tell myself, 'you're so vain.' Even though my body looks better in clothes, underneath is another story. Part of me is proud of my jiggly skin. I've earned these stretch marks. Look what my body did! It was a vestal for my miracle babies. This body grew and delivered life! Two lives! It's not about me anymore, this is part of my sacrifice in motherhood.

Then there's the other me. Proud of my babies and what I've done, but also mourning the loss of my body. To my husband's credit, he thinks I'm beautiful it doesn't bother him. But this disappointment it about me. I expected a few stretch marks and saggy boobies, but my tummy is destroyed. I knew it was bad when I asked my OBGYN (who I LOVE by the way) if it would ever go back. The sympathetic look he gave said it all. I am a mother now, but I'm also a woman. I want to feel attractive and not cringe every time my hand runs over my stomach.

So I find myself with my own variation of Kate's before picture, which I'm not nearly brave enough to post. It started with curiosity that medicine could actually pull off this transformation. Seriously, check out the after picture. Amazing! Then my mind went from observing to joking contemplation. You know, 'oh yeah, I'll just get a tummy tuck.' Ha ha. Ha. Hmmm. Really? Could I? Plastic surgery? Spend my family's money on something so selfish? No. At least, not now.

I guess I'm just feeling like a girl, wanting to feel pretty. In the meantime, I'll just pass by the trashy mags and think to myself, damn Kate looks good.

Legal

Woo-Hoo!!! Happy 18th birthday Maegann Elizabeth!!! Such an exciting month for you ~ let the celebrating continue :)

p.s. please don't spend today getting a tattoo while smoking cigarettes, scratching lottery tickets and looking at dirty magazines. okay?

Sometimes It's Hard

After struggling with infertility and then being blessed with TWO babies, I am slow to admit that it's hard. I feel like we chose to implant two embryos so we better be able to handle it. And we do. It's just that, sometimes it's hard. The past few days the babies have refused to nap at the same time (or not at all for Maxwell) resulting in grumpy afternoons. Tired babies make for a long day. I'm in the process of transferring this blog to a book to document our journey through infertility through the babies first year. I use this blog as our journal/baby book so I think it's important to be honest. And honestly, sometimes it's hard ~ my Thing 1 and Thing 2.

I hate that I rotated this picture counterclockwise three times and it's still posting this way.

I know buddy, I feel that way too right now.

Just To See You Smile

Little Maegann,

As I'm writing this I can't help but think back to one of my first memories of you. I had just started dating your Dad. It was summertime and you were going into the eighth grade. We were talking and you quickly warmed up to me. "You don't have to worry," you told me. I wasn't quite sure what you were talking about. "I used my Dad's last girlfriend's toothbrush to brush my dog's teeth with, but I won't do that to you. I like you." I could have been scared but I wasn't. The thing was, you really meant it. You did like me. And I liked you.You were 13 and I was 23. TWENTY-THREE. "Only 10 years between us," you still like to tell me. Always quick to point out with a smirk that there's 13 years difference between your Dad and I. Yet somehow you never really seemed to mind.

I've had the honor of watching you grow up through your adolescence. And Meg, it really has been an honor. I have never taken for granted the memories that you've allowed me to be a part of: your first Simple Plan concert, toilet papering at 2:00 a.m., piercing your nose, getting ready for prom...these are all such fun memories that you didn't have to invite me to be a part of. But you did. Thank you! I never imagined being a step mom to teenagers- I mean, who are we kidding? Wasn't I just a teenager? But what an awesome gift it is. You and Michael are incredible and the words I love you don't seem strong enough.

I am proud of all that you've done through your peer class at school. You really have embraced the role of being a leader and I love hearing about all that you do for our community. Those are priceless character traits that I pray you continue to grow. Looking outside of yourself to serve others will always end up blessing you too.

I am so glad Maxwell and Ella have you as their big sister. I know our lives have changed a lot in the past few months, but you have welcomed it with a big smile. Your love for the babies is such a blessing to them, and to your father and I. We have a pretty great family, don't ya think?

Today you graduate from High School and it's time to celebrate! Time to celebrate all the great choices you've made, and the future that is yours for the taking. I can't wait to see the things that are yet to come...because I know they will be outstanding.

Love, love, love you. Soak it all up and enjoy this special day.

Your stepmotha,
Big Meghan

Spoiled

The babies and I spent time at my parents over the weekend. Spoiled. Rotten. Thank you Mom and Dad. Max and Ella say they miss Uncle David. Can't wait to see you guys again.

Sha-Wing

A. Thank you other Moms who commented on my last post. It's such a good feeling to know I'm not alone and there may not be one "right way" to do things.

B. People read our blog? I thought my Mom, Grandma, and mother-in-law were the only people who read this. I love reading what other people have to say so thank you for commenting.

C. When all else fails...Sha-Wing! These babies are loving their swings.

Sleep is under rated

Remember here when I said they were sleeping better at night? Psh.

The red numbers on the alarm clock glow in the dark, mocking me as the hours drag on. Maxwell has woken up yet again and I wonder for the millionth time, 'Am I doing this wrong?' I have a pile of books by the side of my bed, all tell me something different.

*Cry it out. The patterns you are establishing now are the key to happy babies and happy parents. They are now old enough to learn when bed time is and it is OK to let them cry if all their needs are met. But for how long? I let them cry and they didn't stop. It just got worse. And they're so little. And I'm so tired.

-OR

*Attachment parenting. Your baby is crying because they need to be comforted. By responding to their cries, they are getting the message that they are safe and they can trust you. But at what point do they learn to comfort themselves? And there's two of them! How can I possibly respond to their cries when there's two? When Mike's home from work we do it together but for the love of god...I'm tired.

*You need a routine. The baby who feeds on a schedule gets fuller feedings and establishes a healthy routine. If the baby feeds on demand, you end up with a fussy baby who wants to snack all day and night. During the day your baby should feed/wake/sleep. This sounds great! I need a routine with two! But wait, I just fed one and now the other is falling asleep. OK, now I'm feeding at the same time. But Ella needs to be burped so let me put Max down for a minute- wait-you! Don't fall asleep yet. You're supposed to feed/wake/sleep. And what happens when Maxwell wakes up from a nap and is hungry but Ella's still sleeping? Do I wake her too? But she cried for awhile and they didn't fall asleep at the same time. I think she still needs to nap. But now we're off of our schedule. Ahhh...

-OR

*Breastfeed instinctually. Babies will let you know when they need to be fed. They'll also let you know when they just need to be comforted. Women around the world have instinctually breastfed their babies for generations without a schedule. Put the clock away. Use your intuition. If baby needs to be comforted, snuggle up and show him you love him. Ahhh. This makes so much sense. Why wouldn't I want to show my babies love and security? They stop crying every time I give them the breast. I'm happy. They're happy.

But, hold on. Wait a minute. I am trying this and now Maxwell wants to nurse ALL NIGHT LONG. IN BED WITH ME. (I'm afraid to type that because I think the Baby Wise doctor is going to do a TV special on indulgent mothers like me. I said I would never sleep with them). Now he seems happy, but wait! What about me? I'm a human pacifier. The kid literally won't stop crying until my nipple is in his mouth. And can you blame him? NO. You can blame me. Because I tried to use my 'womanly intuition that mother nature gave me.'

Now it's one...two...three o'clock in the morning and Ella is finally asleep again. I tiptoe back to bed and as my head hits the pillow I hear the cry. No. Not Ella. It's Max. Of course it is. He's hungry and it's his turn to eat. But when he's done, he starts smiling. He doesn't want to go to sleep. After all, he just slept from one-three. He had himself some rest time and now he's all smiles. Time to start over. Burp/Clean diaper/Rock/Walk...but wait, he doesn't like that, Ella does. Max likes this better...the red numbers laugh at me again...four o'clock....

Maybe this is ridiculous. Maybe I'm just a new mom and I need to realize that babies don't need a routine yet? Maybe they are just itty bitty and this is the deal. But Baby Wise says...

And even if I do pick one way or the other- Baby Wise vs. La Leche- it seems like the babies respond differently. Ella does well when it's nap time and I put her in her crib awake. Generally she will fall asleep on her own. I can do the exact same routine, consistently for a week, and Max still hates to be put down without nursing first. So what's a mom to do? The obvious answer is to do what works best for each child. But there's two. And it's hard. And did I mention I'm tired? Again I ask myself, 'Am I doing this wrong?'

What has worked for other moms? At thirteen weeks, what were your babies doing?

*The past week has been rough, but I realize that it's not that bad. For every time they cry, I forget about it when they smile (they laugh now too!). And if I was really THAT tired, would I take the time to blog? I'm just learning how to be a mom.

P-P-P-Poker Face

Lady Ella's Poker Face


Maxwell's Poker Face


This song is ridiculous. AND I LOVE IT. But really, would you expect anything less from someone who tags 'Lady' onto their title? Maybe I should start going by Lady Meghan...