Flower Child

Darling headband from Grandma Judie

Finding her voice:

I was changing crib sheets and when I came back into the nursery I found Ella carrying on quite the conversation with herself. Maxwell has been using his voice and making sounds for awhile now so it's fun to hear what Ella has to say. Even if she does sound mad...

I Love Them

Maxwell and Gene Simmons Ella

Road Trip

Bradley

Mike's nephew Brad has been staying with us this month. Funny thing about Brad, long before I met Mike I used to work for Brad's parents at their photography studio. Little did I know that Brad's father is actually Mike's ex-wife's brother...such a small world. So since I've known Brad, I have been his parent's employee, his babysitter, his substitute teacher at school, and now his Aunt (sort of?), but mostly...his friend.

Brad,
We have LOVED having you stay with us. You have been such a great help, but more than anything it has been nice spending time with you. Maxwell and Ella love you and Callie and will certainly miss you as much as we will. Stay here forever, don't go! We're excited for you guys and your new place. Come back soon. Miss you already.

Water Babies

Hot day + cool pool = 2 happy babies...and an even happier Mom

swimming with big sister meg

me and maxwell

nap in the shade

borba's cabana

max with dad

Frozen embryos

I go to the mailbox and it's here again. The white envelope reads, 'PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL.' It is the monthly invoice for our frozen embryos. I'm not even sure how to write about this, but my mind and heart won't stop dwelling on it. When Mike and I began our process through IVF, we knew that it was likely we would have to go through several cycles. There is no guarantee that embryos 'stick' the first time. As we went through the motions we did not know to discuss the number of eggs to harvest or embryos to hope to create. In fact, we were overjoyed when we were told that six of ours grew- and they were so healthy! Although we were hopeful, we knew that we may be using the remaining four embryos for additional transfers if these did not take. With these extra embryos, we would be eliminating part of the process of ouchy needles and hormones I would have to take to prepare for another egg harvest. Somehow we did not consider the obvious implication of additional embryos. What do we do with these additional embryos if this cycle of IVF takes and we are done having children? The discussion is so complex and emotional that I don't have it in me to write it all. We basically have three options.


#1. Thaw and discard. Ironically I was both raw and numb from the process and that when it came to signing paperwork at the end, I was just ready to move on. We decided to have the additional embryos frozen and stored. We currently pay a monthly storage fee where our embryos sit waiting. If we decide to stop this service we are consenting for them to thaw and discard our embryos. I'll never forget how much the verbage on the forms bothered me. Bothers me.


The ethical dilemma is obvious. Either we believe that the embryos are life. Or not. I believe that life begins at conception. Even though these embryos are outside of my body, they are 100% my eggs and Mike's sperm. They met, they formed, and grew for one week. At this point they were rated the healthiest possible (I wrote about that here). For that week they were growing I prayed for them, pleaded to God, and waiting in excruciating anticipation. During that week I absolutely thought they were life. Thaw and discard. But now that we got what we wanted... thaw and discard?


#2. Donate the embryos. Although our fertility problems were painful, we were so blessed to have the opportunity to have children of our own. I am aware that many couples, or individuals, don't have that option and they turn to alternative ways to create their families. Adoption and donors are all possibilities I had to let my mind consider. What greater gift could we give someone than the gift of life? Donating our embryos to someone else could be a priceless answer to someone's desperate prayer. I understand that prayer. I understand pleading with God and living with an aching heart wondering why I couldn't be a mommy. What if this is part of our journey? God blessed us, could he now be calling us to bless another couple?


But I don't know if I can. These embryos are Maxwell and Ella's brothers or sisters. They are Mike and I. How would we know if they would be loved and taken care of? Even if they were, how could we not want them to be a part of our family? Wouldn't I forever be haunted by the possibility of our children being out there. I have this running clip in my mind where I open my front door in fifteen years and see a confused and hurting teenager in front of me. He searches my face for understanding as he asks, 'Why didn't you want me?' He tells me he doesn't understand why he couldn't be a part of our family and he asks why Max and Ella get to call us Mom and Dad. OUCH.



#3. Continue with IVF and transfer the additional four embryos. I would not transfer more than two at a time, so that means do this again. Twice. With a chance of twins. Twice. TWINS. AGAIN. Such a blessing...but, oh my. At the moment, I think I'm doing great, but add more to the mix? Yikes. If we were to do this it would have to be soon because Mike has graciously blessed me with kids, but his kids are already grown. We can't be having kids when he's a granddad (no offence babe). Maxwell and Ella are obviously priceless, but we do have to consider the financial reality. To do it again would be another $20, 000 each time. Money aside, even if we tried to have one more baby we're back to the same moral question as before. What do we do with the additional frozen embryos?



This is a question that only Mike and I can answer for our family. Part of me feels scared and vulnerable to be open about it. I invite comments of encouragement and support, but please do not judge us now or in the future. Writing often brings me clarity and healing, so I am using this blog as a forum to do that. In the meantime, we are content to pay the monthly fee and I'll continue to pray that God gives us direction. Because doesn't he always?


This is a picture of our 'frozen embryos' now named Maxwell and Ella. They showed us their picture the day we transfered them and they began to grow inside me. They grew, and they grew, and they grew...

Cuties

Twenty-Two

Happy birthday Michael.

LOVE YOU TO PIECES.

16 Weeks

To our babies at sixteen weeks.


Maxwell,

Everyone tells us you look like your Dad. You are a lucky boy because you have one handsome father. This month you have discovered your hands and you love to swing your fists. I put you in your bouncy seat and you squeal as you bat at the toys hanging in front of you. At first you seemed to favor your left hand, but now we see you using both. You are such a cuddle bug and you want to be held all the time. When I scoop you up your body melts into mine and you love to be cuddled close while you drool on my shoulder. You coo at us and you laugh when your Dad talks to you. You love to sit on his lap and read Cycle News before he goes to work in the morning. For a baby who started out so small...you have turned into a chunk! I love to kiss your chubby face and your roley poley feet. You have started sleeping better at night but you still end up in bed with us. Again, you just want to be cuddled. And I want to cuddle you back. We love you sweet boy.


Ella,

You radiate joy. Your reflux and tummy must be feeling better because you smile all day long. And when I say you smile, it's like your whole person is smiling. You're a petite little girl but are strong! You want to see everything around you. You are always squirming around and turning your head so that you don't miss a thing. You've also discovered your hands and you try so hard to eat your whole fist. I love to watch you study the pictures in books. We prop them up beside you and I when come back into the room and you are still captivated by what you see. I hope you love books forever. You have turned into such a good sleeper! For almost two weeks now you only wake up once at night. I feed you, you smile, and then you go back to sleep until around 5 or 6 (out of our bed)! You and your Dad are the first ones up each morning. He hears you wiggling around and peaks over your crib. You greet him with a smile so big you even arch your eyebrows. What a happy girl! We love you Ella Vita.

Maxwell and Ella at one week.

Uncle Louie took more pictures this week. We have you in the same pose and we can see how much you've grown!

Happy Monday

* One of the things I'd like to do is take a class on basic graphic design (is that even what it's called?). I keep trying to customize our blog and realize I have no idea how to. Once the babies get older, I'd like to take a night class. In the meantime, I found this cute header on shabbyblogs.com. Thanks shabbyblogs!

You're So Vain

I'm assuming you're as sick of hearing about Jon and Kate as I am, but I was looking for quick before/after pictures. I'm not even interested in the drama that surrounds them, but I can't help but be intrigued by Kate's tummy. I have never had a strong opinion either way regarding plastic surgery. I suppose part of me is wary that it perpetuates issues of body image in young girls. Yet I am a strong believer that until I've walked in your shoes...who am I to say what's up? We all come to the table with unique circumstances and reasons for doing things. One woman's 'boob job' may actually be a breast reduction for health reasons. The next gal may choose to go bigger or smaller because of the attention (or lack there of) she gets from men. All this to say, I never really cared about cosmetic surgery because it didn't affect me. I don't have a perfect body, but I'm confident in who I am. I'm fine with how I look. Mostly.

I was fortunate to carry Max and Ella to 36 weeks. I certainly looked big, but didn't actually gain all that much weight in pounds. I was at my heaviest weight before I got pregnant. I like to blame it on the fertility hormones I was shooting up, but I'm thinking excessive pizza and hefeweizen didn't help things. Regardless, I was shocked when I stepped on the scale at the babies two week check up and- what?! I had lost all the weight. Mind you, initially I was so overwhelmed with two babies that I didn't do a whole lot of eating or sleeping. But to lose the weight that quickly? Sweet. Never in my life have I been able to loose weight without serious persistence. Even then, I end up on a fad diet and gain it all back. Now, I am actually 20 pounds thinner than before I got pregnant. I know, right? I should be stoked. No wonder women breast feed their kids until they're five. (Actually, please have an intervention if I'm still nursing and the babies are talking to me).

My point here is that I'm feeling well, looking better, and I'm still not satisfied. So I tell myself, 'you're so vain.' Even though my body looks better in clothes, underneath is another story. Part of me is proud of my jiggly skin. I've earned these stretch marks. Look what my body did! It was a vestal for my miracle babies. This body grew and delivered life! Two lives! It's not about me anymore, this is part of my sacrifice in motherhood.

Then there's the other me. Proud of my babies and what I've done, but also mourning the loss of my body. To my husband's credit, he thinks I'm beautiful it doesn't bother him. But this disappointment it about me. I expected a few stretch marks and saggy boobies, but my tummy is destroyed. I knew it was bad when I asked my OBGYN (who I LOVE by the way) if it would ever go back. The sympathetic look he gave said it all. I am a mother now, but I'm also a woman. I want to feel attractive and not cringe every time my hand runs over my stomach.

So I find myself with my own variation of Kate's before picture, which I'm not nearly brave enough to post. It started with curiosity that medicine could actually pull off this transformation. Seriously, check out the after picture. Amazing! Then my mind went from observing to joking contemplation. You know, 'oh yeah, I'll just get a tummy tuck.' Ha ha. Ha. Hmmm. Really? Could I? Plastic surgery? Spend my family's money on something so selfish? No. At least, not now.

I guess I'm just feeling like a girl, wanting to feel pretty. In the meantime, I'll just pass by the trashy mags and think to myself, damn Kate looks good.

Legal

Woo-Hoo!!! Happy 18th birthday Maegann Elizabeth!!! Such an exciting month for you ~ let the celebrating continue :)

p.s. please don't spend today getting a tattoo while smoking cigarettes, scratching lottery tickets and looking at dirty magazines. okay?

Sometimes It's Hard

After struggling with infertility and then being blessed with TWO babies, I am slow to admit that it's hard. I feel like we chose to implant two embryos so we better be able to handle it. And we do. It's just that, sometimes it's hard. The past few days the babies have refused to nap at the same time (or not at all for Maxwell) resulting in grumpy afternoons. Tired babies make for a long day. I'm in the process of transferring this blog to a book to document our journey through infertility through the babies first year. I use this blog as our journal/baby book so I think it's important to be honest. And honestly, sometimes it's hard ~ my Thing 1 and Thing 2.

I hate that I rotated this picture counterclockwise three times and it's still posting this way.

I know buddy, I feel that way too right now.

Just To See You Smile

Little Maegann,

As I'm writing this I can't help but think back to one of my first memories of you. I had just started dating your Dad. It was summertime and you were going into the eighth grade. We were talking and you quickly warmed up to me. "You don't have to worry," you told me. I wasn't quite sure what you were talking about. "I used my Dad's last girlfriend's toothbrush to brush my dog's teeth with, but I won't do that to you. I like you." I could have been scared but I wasn't. The thing was, you really meant it. You did like me. And I liked you.You were 13 and I was 23. TWENTY-THREE. "Only 10 years between us," you still like to tell me. Always quick to point out with a smirk that there's 13 years difference between your Dad and I. Yet somehow you never really seemed to mind.

I've had the honor of watching you grow up through your adolescence. And Meg, it really has been an honor. I have never taken for granted the memories that you've allowed me to be a part of: your first Simple Plan concert, toilet papering at 2:00 a.m., piercing your nose, getting ready for prom...these are all such fun memories that you didn't have to invite me to be a part of. But you did. Thank you! I never imagined being a step mom to teenagers- I mean, who are we kidding? Wasn't I just a teenager? But what an awesome gift it is. You and Michael are incredible and the words I love you don't seem strong enough.

I am proud of all that you've done through your peer class at school. You really have embraced the role of being a leader and I love hearing about all that you do for our community. Those are priceless character traits that I pray you continue to grow. Looking outside of yourself to serve others will always end up blessing you too.

I am so glad Maxwell and Ella have you as their big sister. I know our lives have changed a lot in the past few months, but you have welcomed it with a big smile. Your love for the babies is such a blessing to them, and to your father and I. We have a pretty great family, don't ya think?

Today you graduate from High School and it's time to celebrate! Time to celebrate all the great choices you've made, and the future that is yours for the taking. I can't wait to see the things that are yet to come...because I know they will be outstanding.

Love, love, love you. Soak it all up and enjoy this special day.

Your stepmotha,
Big Meghan

Spoiled

The babies and I spent time at my parents over the weekend. Spoiled. Rotten. Thank you Mom and Dad. Max and Ella say they miss Uncle David. Can't wait to see you guys again.