My Aunt Dido passed away last night. Her life was too short and I'm so sorry for my Uncle Johnny's loss. I remember when they first met and noticing Dido's beautiful laugh and obvious love she had for my Uncle.

I pray for a new beginning for Uncle Johnny. I have the best memories of him as a kind, strong, smart, and hilarious man.  I love you Uncle Johnny. I'm so sorry for your pain.

My Aunt's and Uncles, Great Great Grandma. Uncle Johnny on the top far left, my Mom on the top right

 

Uncle Johnny and my Grandma

Me and him, my high school years

Uncle Johnny and Dido

May you rest in peace Dido.

A Heavy Heart

These aren't words that haven't been being spoken, written or felt about this. But my heart is so heavy right now. They talk about survivor's guilt, I get that. The shooting makes me hurt on so many levels. The greatest is the empathy I have as a mother. This is our greatest fear- the horrific act taking our children's innocence. I've been thinking about this lately, even before Newtown- about my two growing up and starting school. I hint about how I'm not ready to go back to work but what I really feel is I'm not ready to let them go. I imagine it might have something to do with them being my only ones. Two at once. I assume if I had another, or others, younger than these two wouldn't seem so little. But they will always be my only, my babies.

 I don't actually believe hiding them from the world is protecting them, it just sounds simpler that way, safer. All day, it's just the three of us until we yell 'Daddy's home!' at night. I know tragedy/shootings, can happen anywhere and while my kids are with me. I just don't picture it happening at the children's museum, Target, or the park. But then who pictures it happening at school?

We had a busy weekend and I really haven't read or watched much of the coverage. We got home Sunday afternoon and I went to the computer. Mike walked in on me crying and I knew the kids would come in soon after. I had just read the story of Noah, whom you may be familiar with. He has a twin sister and another sister just a few years older. He was killed Friday. They survived. Max and Ella. A twin sister! What if? What if? What if?

But it wasn't ours. So we're left to remember these babies and teachers and honor those families who are suffering. 'I'm sorry,' my heart whispers for them. 'I'm so, so sorry!'

I also think about what this would be like for me as a professional. In my career, I was a school counselor. I counseled grieving students who lost parents, friends, classmates. But not on this level. I pray for this district, specifically for their school counselors and psychologists. I believe there are heroes offering hope and comfort to those hurting. I pray for the school faculty and staff as they find strength to go on through Christmas and eventually return to their schools.

Yesterday I also learned that sweet Daisy Love Merrick, our sweet local girl who has been battling cancer for years is back in the hospital with inoperable tumors, yet again. 'It's not fair!' I told Mike. Again I feel survivors guilt, why do we have it so easy?

Then mommy guilt. There have been so many times the past few days that I've been too short with my kids. I've been irritated or distracted, then overcome with emotion because what am I doing? My babies are here, healthy and safe! Hold them close! Encourage them, love them!  But life goes on. Only it doesn't feel right. So I pretend I'm a parent calling my office (when I had one). What guidance would I offer families? Then I try to live it.

Saturday Mike and I had his work Christmas party. The kids stayed overnight with my parents and we had an overnight in a gorgeous hotel on the beach (of course no kids, no camera). It was rainy and cold but we enjoyed a quiet day to ourselves. It was really nice. The next day we picked them up and took them to see Santa. But all the time I was anxious and a little uneasy. How does life just go on? I was in high school when Columbine happened and although it was upsetting, it didn't make me feel unsafe. Because I wasn't a mother. But today I'm rattled, and I'm praying to feel safe.

This morning I got an email that my Aunt is in the hospital. From what I understand her condition is not stable and she's not well. Lord, be with Dido, be with Uncle Johnny. Please take care of them, take their hurt away. 

So I ask again, how do we just go on? Because we have hope. We have to. Maxwell and Ella are looking to me to give it to them. Right now I have nowhere to look but up. God, give me the hope I'm talking about. Let it come from within, so we can share it with others. Protect us, keep us safe. 

Hugs to all you mothers who have encouraged me and supported to me through this silly blog the past five years.

Here was our annual trip to see Santa. Because I'm sensitive right now, everything's exaggerated  This was another blow for me. The past four years we have had the same Santa. A sweet, old man with a real beard. Then on Sunday there was this guy. I think I've said to Mike four times how crushed I was that 'our Santa' wasn't there.

'Do you think he died Mike?' 
'Meghan!'

His beard was definitely bought and paid for.

 

 

 

 

Ella, Again

As I mentioned in my last post, 'nap time' means Maxwell usually naps (sometimes) and Ella has quiet time. This is my time to have to myself. I fold laundry, read blogs, do something mindless. But lately I've been drawn to Ella's room. It's rare that I have time with just one of my twins. And as much as I just want to be alone with myself, sometimes it's better to be alone with them. In this case, two posts in a row, to be with Ella.

When I opened her door and found this beautiful mess, I tucked this moment in my heart. Sometimes I make myself put the camera down, but today I wanted every detail. The sweetness of her voice, the innocence in her questions, "Mom, when I grow up I can be a real princess, right?" The waves in her hair, the round of her tummy. My babies are growing and it feels like this season of life is changing. It's been just Mike and I, and Max and Ella. And soon they'll be ready for the rest of the world. School, sports, work for me...life. It'll be good- for all of us.

But this has been so good. God gave me the desire of my heart. I got to be a Mama after I couldn't get pregnant. I got to stay home with them. And now there's this panic in my heart that it's ending. But I know better than that, every stage has been better than the last. I'm just not ready for change.

Our girl, The Super Hero Princess.

The Best Part of My Day

Maxwell still naps...sometimes. Ella, not so much. But she's pretty good about having quiet time in her room. I heard her singing in her bed today and I had to come in. She has such a sweet voice, her singing was the best part of my day.

Tablet For Kids?

I want to get the kids some sort of tablet for Christmas.That's their main gift. I initially thought we'd get the Leap Pad 2 but the games are so expensive. I'm wondering if it would be worth getting a cheaper tablet that can be online to download apps and games for free. This way they could also do Nick Jr or Disney Jr online...YouTube Mike The Knight when I want them to be quiet (most of tablets I've looked at have parental controls for the Internet, as in you can actually plug in the few websites that they can go to). I've reviewed every possible kid tablet. In fact I've read so many reviews that I'm totally confused. The Meep, The Kurio, The Nabi, The Tabeo...on and on. So I go back to the Leap Pad, which is totally simple. But once I were to buy the case and games it would be the same price as buying something like a Kindle Fire-without any of the perks of the web. But I'd need a super rubbery protective case that's kid proof.

Many of the reviews I've read say kids don't need these, they need to run and play outside and use crayons inside. My kids do a lot of that too. I'm all about moderation and balance. So I have no problem with my kids watching TV or using technology. Maxwell and Ella LOVE using my Mom and my mother in laws ipads. They learn a ton with math, shapes, letters, etc.

Do any of you Moms have specific recommendations about the Leap Pad or any tablet? Any personal experience with your kids using them?

Thanks!

Christmas Traditions

This past week I've been especially aware of my part in shaping our kid's memories. It's up to Mike and I to teach them what Christmas is about. Honestly, I've had to be really intentional about not just talking about Santa. I want them to know about Jesus' birth and the spirit of giving, but Santa's everywhere and it's been easy to explain. We have a few nativity scenes they play with so they have a reminder, but most of our Christmas music and books are all about presents and Santa. Which I'm not saying is a bad thing, I just want to remember not to make that the only part of Christmas.

Our excitement is contagious to them and they are at such a sweet age that they just accept all the magic, no questions asked. I was hesitant to pull out our Elf On The Shelf because I didn't know how to explain the silly thing, thank goodness for the book. Part of me was prepared for them to question and doubt, but they're only three. And they loved it. We had a fun weekend carrying on our  family Christmas traditions.

It's been  raining for days (don't roll your eyes Hill), but we ventured out into the wet anyway. And somehow, on our thirty minute outing to cut down our tree the sky stopped for us. This was the first year since I've known Mike that Maeg wasn't with us to cut the tree down...sorry Maegann! You were missed.

 

 

The Elf On The Shelf rang our doorbell Sunday morning. Fun 'special delivery' free printable for all things from the North Pole found here

Maxwell and Ella named him Dasher. Until later that day when they decided that he was a she and her name was Prancer. Poor Ella was dying to hold her. But the book says kids can't hold the Elf or the magic will wear off. Maybe so they don't lose it or fight over it. When I read her that her eyes got big and she was OK. The conversations I've overheard between Max and Ella have been hilarious. They get the concept of the Elf watching their behavior. Maxwell called Ella a 'beety butt.' I don't know what that is, but it's a common insult between the kids. I always correct them saying that the word butt is not nice. Ella told Maxwell that Prancer the Elf heard him and Maxwell quickly back peddled and stood in front of Prancer, but pretended not to look at her, and said to Ella, "No Ella, what I meant was don't fall on your beety butt because it would hurt and I'm your best friend and I don't want you to get hurt." Uh uh. Clever little fellow.

 
Mike set up the train with the kids. This was Mike's when he was a boy. It's a really cool antique train with steel tracks.

 

 

And last night, carrying on with the train theme, we watched the Polar Express. They didn't remember it from last year and they had soooo many questions. Actually, Ella had so many questions. Maxwell only piped in every once in awhile to say, "This parts not scary, right Mom?" Which means he was almost feeling scared. But they liked it.

When I say that we watched it, what I mean was I started watching it with them but then ran back and forth between the living room with the kids and our bedroom where Mike and I watched the season Finale of Boardwalk Empire, my favorite show. Thank goodness for pause of the DVR. 

 

And the weekend ended with sweet dreams. We went to my parents on Saturday and my Mom found an old stuffed reindeer of mine for Ella. You know how there are some things from your childhood that you can totally remember? This reindeer is one of them. When I picked her up to show Ella it brought me way back and I can actually remember cuddling and loving it. Like Ella does now.

It's been days since our trees been up but it only has two ornaments on it so far. It's been kind of fun dragging everything out. I guess that's why we did it so early, so we can enjoy it all month.

Ella's Big Girl Room

I've been wanting to post pictures of Ella's room for awhile now, but I was waiting for it to be 100% done. We are still working on creating a cushion and pillows for her window seat (it's huge!), we need to switch her dresser with a taller, white dresser in Maxwell's room, and my mother in law is making some beautiful lace balls to hang with the poms she did in the bay window. But it's a lazy, rainy day so I'm posting the room as is.

I use a Canon Powershot, a simple point and shoot, but something is funky with the setting because all my pictures are coming out really grainy and kind of blurry?

 Click here for the 'before pictures'

Ella's Big Girl Room...

Paint- Sherwin Williams Front Porch, it's really pretty pale gray
 

This was the big window seat I got Mike to build. He did such a good job, this puppy is huge! See how we can tuck all her junk  treasures underneath? We lost floor space but Ella spends lots of time playing on top. This has become her favorite spot to play dollhouse. It will be super comfy once we finish the cushion.

 

The bed frame is a Craigslist find from Gma Judie, painted white.

Little details...
An old window painted white and embellished with liquid chalk. We can draw and erase. She's really into Tinkerbell right now so we've got a quote from Peter Pan. 

I love this wall. My mother in law had these old frames for me. They were spray painted an antiqued white. The prints were either etsy or free printables via pinterest. 

Ella's bedding is my favorite part. I found it two summer's ago and tucked it away for her big girl room. Target's Rachel Ashwell shabby chic bedding.

My girl popping in to ask me why I'm taking pictures in her room.

Craigslist night stand.

Cuite pie.

Favorite, faithful horse.

Fabric bunting, etsy, here.

Free vintage printable via pinterest, here

Other etsy prints found, here, here, and here

I wasn't ready to tuck this suit away. I used hot glue over fabric in a frame and displayed it over a photo of Ella wearing the same suit at the beach.

That's it! Wish my camera wasn't so blurry.

Little Trees

Let Christmas begin! After a failed nap attempt, I brought a table out back and let the kids decorate trees for their rooms. While I thought this would be fun for them, I was actually trying to snap a perfect pic for this year's Christmas card. Instead, real life happened and the trees kept tipping over and the ornaments fell off.

The pictures came out fuzzy, but it was fun for awhile. M & E keep dragging me by the arm to show me their trees displayed in in their room- which was the point to begin with.

 

NEVER Stay At The Excalibur Hotel And Casino, Las Vegas

On our way to Utah we stayed one night in Vegas to break up the drive. While staying at the Excalibur, we were robbed in our room while we were sleeping. I posted this review this morning on TripAdvisor and Yelp:

WORST hotel experience I have ever had. We were robbed while we were sleeping in our room and the hotel told us it is our fault. The Excalibur's customer service has been disgusting.

We stayed in Vegas for one night on a Thanksgiving road trip and chose Excalibur because we thought our little kids would like it. The room was cheap but they charged us some extra hotel fee of $15 on the phone (through the hotel directly) and also an additional $17 when we arrived. After checking in we found our room dingy and dark but didn't think much of it. We played with our 3 1/2 year old twins in the arcade and after dinner went to our room for the night.

Our older daughter (21 yrs) and her boyfriend (23) were on this road trip with us and didn't arrive from out of town until 12 30 am bc they had worked that day in California. When they arrived at 12 30 we were obviously sleeping and they knocked on the door, we gave them hugs and they went to sleep in the bed next to us. The room was stuffy so kept the AC unit on. It was very old and LOUD. We woke up at 6 the next morning to the bathroom light on (which we had specifically turned off). My husband's wallet was on the ground opened, with his cash gone. My daughter's boyfriend's wallet was put back into his pants on the floor by the bed and his $200 cash was also gone.

When we spoke to the hotel they connected us with their 'risk management department' they informed us that this happens. They said that people roam the halls and push open doors. They told us that because we didn't deadbolt the door (which we usually do but it was overlooked bc it was so late), and we didn't put our cash in the safe, they were not responsible. We spoke with many managers that day and on the phone in the days following. We filed a police report at the Vegas PD.

The main problems I have are,
1. Their doors don't work properly. Multiple people in risk management (security) and in hotel management told us that their doors don't always lock automatically and you have to pull the door and lift the handle to make sure it close. I will always use the deadbolt in future hotel stays anywhere, but I don't believe this makes a robbery our fault.

They have unsafe, faulty doors and they have no plan to fix them. Knowing that this happens, they still do not have security cameras in the tower we stayed in (tower 1), nor do they have security officers on the floors monitoring the safety of their guests- even though they admitted that they have had intruders in the past.

And using the safe? I understand that it is wise to lock up extra cash when leaving the room. But I do not accept that it is our fault that our money was stolen while we were in our room with our children asleep. I get sick thinking that whoever this was could also have take our little twins out of bed and kidnapped them.

2. We have received no apology or compensation at all. Money is money. It was $400 dollars lost, but this is about so much more than that. From the beginning we were dismissed and given the run around. We had woken up early that morning to get back on the road to finish our drive to get to our Thanksgiving vacation. While my husband met with security and management we stood with the little kids and waited. And waited. And waited. No one once offered to comp the room while they looked into it. No one offered breakfast vouchers for us to feed the kids. So while it was not initially about the money, I now feel it's personal and I'm furious.

We have spoken on the phone to all the people mentioned above and after reviewing our case, we were told they do not take responsibility and the incident is our fault. I don't accept this and we have been in contact with their corporate office, though I don't imagine we will ever get back what we lost.

I'm still very unsettled that there was someone in our room, going through our things while we slept. I get anxious thinking about someone taking our little ones and in some ways I'm thankful we didn't wake up because I don't know what would have happened if my husband or daughter's boyfriend would have caught the person.

The Excalibur has shown no regard for our well being as guests and I STRONGLY advise against anyone ever staying there. The allure of an inexpensive rate is not worth your safety.