Flip Flop

Since these two were itty bitty babies, they've taken turns being stinkers. Every once in awhile they'll both jump on board, but for the most part if one's acting especially naughty/whinny/in need of extra attention, the other seems to take a step back and just...be. Well, someone (Maxwell) has had a hard time with listening. He had a couple really bad days and I found myself hiding in the bathroom crying- feeling like I was doing something wrong. I heard ugly words in my head telling me that when they were infants I was patient, calm and consistent...a good Mom. But now I'm falling short and I'm failing them. I heard this over and over, but the whole time I know the truth. And the truth is that I do fall short. But this doesn't make me a bad Mom. And when I found myself out of privileges to take away from my boy- they did the flip flop. This weekend Ella's been whinny and showing a little sass. Nothing out of control but a change since last week. And next week will change again. Flip flop. Maxwell has been so fun to be around. He's been silly and kind and so quick to obey. And that's just how it's going to be. Neither of them will ever be the 'good kid' or the 'bad kid,'-thank goodness. And while our parenting clearly factors into things, sometimes they'll just have a bad week. And so will I. I look forward to new beginnings tomorrow, and I'm thankful for the confidence I have today to hush the negative self talk. My heart is always for my kids. Just as they aren't 'bad kids,' I refuse to throw a pity party and call myself as a 'bad mom.' Tomorrow is always a new day. And on and on. Flip flop.

Some pictures of last week.

Literally, Scout has tripped in size. And I'm NOT happy about it. Can't I enjoy him being tiny for at least a month?!

We've had beautiful, hot weather. It's been in the 80s and we've been pretending it's summer.

Someone snuck into this picture...

About Me.

* I started this post two weeks ago, but just finished. Here's my unedited publish...

1. The adorable Sofia, from The Brewery, nominated me for a bloggy award. Which was super fun because 
   A. I haven't really been blogging lately and it made me want to write a post. 
   B. It means someone that I don't know, and who isn't a family member, somehow came to my blog and thought it was nice to read.
   
   
   The Liebster Blog Award Rules:

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   1. Share 11 things about yourself
   2. Answer the 11 questions given to you
   3. Choose 11 fellow blogs to nominate {or how ever many you'd like}. The nominees must have under 200 GFC (google friend connect) followers and tell them in a comment on their blog
   4. Think of eleven questions to ask the bloggers you have decided to nominate
   5. Thank the person that nominated you and link back to their blog 
    
   11 things from me:
   Hmmmm...
   
   1. I love to dance. I'm not good at it, but I love girls nights for dancing, weddings for dancing, dance sessions with my family- you name it, I just love to dance.
   
   2. I met my husband Mike working a temp job on a construction site. I was supposed to be a secretary in the office, but I literally was making punch lists and building fences along side trained professionals. I look back and think, WHAT?  I didn't get that that I should tell them I was supposed to be filing papers in the air conditioned office, not wearing a hard hat. But I ended up meeting Mike. So it was all for a reason ;)
   
   3. Speaking of my handsome guy, Mike is 13 years older than me. I was 23 when we started dating, he was 36. HOLY SHIT we say now! That's two years younger than Michael! That's two years older than Maegann! (my stepkids).
   
   But Marriage is marriage and it's not always easy. It's usually wonderful, but sometimes it's not. Which makes us recognize and appreciate the good. It's hard to know when our age difference comes into play. Life experiences certainly shape us and he obviously had experienced huge things before me, marriage, kids, etc. But we fell in love and became a family. All of us. My experience as a stepmother to Michael, (25), and Maegann, (21), is a gift not many people get to have. From the bottom of my heart I feel like my life is better because of them. 
   
   4. I love pizza and beer. A lot.
   5. I couldn't get pregnant. And it ripped my heart out. I've felt no greater pain than wanting to me a mother and being told I couldn't do like everyone else. It was a complete loss of control and my heart felt broken. Because I was broken. I started this blog as an outlet to write about my experience with infertility. And the doctors. And the shots. And the crying. It's way back in my blog history if you want to read about.
   6. On a lighter note, my favorite movies (I can't choose between them) are Almost Famous and Some Like It Hot.
   
   7. I grew up in a small(ish) town and thought I wanted big city life. I went to college near LA, then moved to Seattle, and ended up an hour away from my hometown on the central coast. And I LOVE where I live. Close to the beach, the lake, and mostly beautiful weather all year long.
   8. I got pregnant on my first round of IVF. And I feel guilty because of it. Isn't that silly? When I started hormones and fertility treatments I started reading other women's blogs and stories and some of them struggled for years. Many women do 3, 4, 5, + rounds of IVF before they carry a baby to term. For us, we planted two embryos, and I carried them to 36 weeks and delivered Maxwell and Ella. And I am overjoyed by our blessings, but when I talk about my experience with infertility I find myself apologizing that it really wasn't that bad and we only had to do one round of IVF. 
   
   9. Target is my happy place. I could wonder Target for hours and still find new things.
   
   10.   I grew up in a non denominational Christan home, went to a similar college, yet I haven't been a regular member of a church in ten years. I love Jesus. I am a Christian. 
     But it's different than it was before. And it's OK. I have issues that feel very personal to me, that I have prayed about, wept about. And I feel God like God hears me. That he really truly hears me. And I see his love in my life every day.
   
   11. My dream concert is Adele at the Santa Barbara Bowl.
   
   That was a lot of words. 
   
   Now, onto the questions asked by Sophia...
    1. If you could do an interview with any person, alive or dead, who would it be and why?
   
   I've actually put a lot of thought into this question. I think I'd interview my great, great, grandmother Judicinni (which I'm certain I'm spelling wrong). I'm embarrassed at my lack of genealogy  but I think my great, great, grandmother migrated from Sicily and when she came across they gave her and her son (my great grandfather) the last name 'Judicinni,' which meant 'Little Judge,' which basically meant...bastard.  Blano, tell me if I have this wrong. 
   
   I'd like to hug her and tell her how brave and courageous this was. I'd like to ask her what it was like to make that decision.  How was the journey? Was she so sick? What did she dream about when she thought 'America'? Was she happy she came? Was it worth the sacrifice? And most of all, I'd tell her, Thank You. I hope that she wasn't alone for long. I'd ask if she found friends and I'd hope she found comfort in the promise that she was building a new life. I'd tell her she was strong and brave and I cherish the gift that she gave our family for bringing us here.
   
   2. What is your favorite TV show?
    Right now, on my DVR my favs are- in this order; Nashville, Girls, Califonication, House of Lies, and Modern Family. Every night I record Chelsea Lately and in the fall my favorite is Boardwalk Empire, the one show Mike and I like to watch it together. 
   
   3. Why do you have a blog?
   
   It started as a way to vent about my feelings of trying to get pregnant through IVF, but then it turned into an online journal. If I were smart I would print it out, as I intended, to be my kids baby book. Because this is the only place I have it all recorded.
   
   4. Who do people tell you you look like?
   
   Um, no one. I remember once in high school someone said I looked like Neve Campbell in Scream. But my dream doppelganger is Jennifer Aniston.
   
   
   5. What is your biggest pet peeve?
   
   Trashy TV on during the day.Which is kind of funny because at night I'll watch E! and  Bravo shows. Nighttime dramas are just fine by me, but daytime talk shows drive me crazy.
   
   6. If you could re-live high school, what would you do differently, if anything?
   
   I would be more accepting of other people's beliefs. I had friends in all different groups, but I preached Jesus a lot. And I wish that I would have just lived it more and not talked about it so much.
   
   And I wish I would have thought of more about a creative career path.
   
   7. What is your favorite characteristic about yourself?
   
   I am good with people. You can throw me into a mix of any personality and I can make conversation.
   
   8. What is your least favorite characteristic about yourself?
   
   I hate confrontation. Although I'm a good communicator, sometimes I bottle things up when I wish I would get it out so I could move on. I'm a people pleaser and I hate to disappoint.
   
   9. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
   
   Ahhh, I love the sunshine. I truly love where we live, Atascadero, CA, but I dream about somewhere tropical. I pretend I'd like to open a surf shop somewhere abroad where everyday we put our toes in the sand. I don't actually believe it enough to find that place on the map, but it's a warm thought.
   
   10. What is the best advice you have ever been given?
   
   I'll never forget when I was holding both babies at once and a friend told me, "No matter what anyone has told you, you will know what's best for your babies. You will find your way and your baby (babies) will show you what they need. You will know because you are the mama."
   
   
   11. If your house was on fire, and you could only grab three things (not people or pets) on the way out, what would they be?
   1. The box of photos under our bed. they are mostly of Michael and Maegann growing up
   2. My external hard drive with most of our digital photos
   3. Maxwell's toy story figures. I could buy more at target for $15.00, but these are his favs.
   
   I'm not really that attached to any of our 'stuff'. With technology, I would be DEVASTATED if YouTube suddenly went down...which it could, at any time. But my only family videos and memories are on blogger and YouTube.
   
   If you're still reading,.Sofia's rules say I get to nominate 11 blogs. But I'm not sure it actually counts because I think I'm two months late. But here's my list of ladies I love to read, some I know (kind of) and some not. And this is taking way too long so I'm not doing 11. And I'm not following the rules of how many followers.
   
   Here are some of the blogs I read...
   
   1.  The Neuenschwander Family 
   2.Here In The Sticks
   3. Little Band Of Brother
   4. Chicago Mom
   6.The Story Of Us 
   
   I wish my best friends blogged, but they don't.
   
   My 11 Questions for my nominees, then pass it on. If you have time. Or take two months like I did :)
   
   1. What's your favorite family tradition?
   2. What do you love about your husband?
   3. What's your ideal girl's night out?
   4. Favorite thing to splurge on when you have extra cash?
   5. Do you want more kids or do you feel like your family is complete?
   6. Your dream concert?
   7. Dream date night?
   8. Favorite beverage?
   9. Swore you'd name your first kid...but you named him/her/?
   10. Do you practice the same faith that your parent shared with you?
   11. Would you rather have a house cleaner or an apt at the spa?

Thanks Sofia!

Falling In Love With Scout

We've been talking about getting a puppy for a long time. And now we have Scout. The kids are out of control happy and I'm eating crowe, finding that I really may be a dog person- at least for Scout. He is itty bitty so he's mostly inside right now, and I laugh that I'm treating him like and infant. Potty training, crate training, night sleeping- I thought I was over all that :)

Mike's always had labs and his kids grew up with 'best friend' dogs. I'm excited Maxwell and Ella will get to experience this too. Pretty sure there are going to be multiple posts featuring Scout.

A million camera pics...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And not to forget instagram...(I'm meghanelainebeck if you want to follow along there)

 

 

 

easter, 2013

Our Easter was nice. Quiet, happy, good. A little hunt in the morning, breakfast with family, gardening, another hunt with friends, and a night time BBQ with us.

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

Maxwell impressed us with his swing...